Tag Archives: fat

Oh You Liked Being Pregnant?

Most of you have either known someone or have, yourself, been pregnant. For those of you that haven’t they say that you either love it or hate it. Guess which category I fell into? I think I can safely say I have some pretty disturbing memories of my pregnancy. Of course I would never take back what it has given me as Owen is the greatest thing in my life but man, getting here really really sucked.

I didn’t have a “bad” pregnancy per se. I wasn’t terribly sick or mad but I was very fat and the hormones seemed to have made me even more sarcastic than usual. I wish i could somehow get all my Facebook posts from that time for Owen’s baby book because I remember them being pretty funny in an awful and disgusting way.  I had no filter with my thoughts.  They all came pouring out of me all the time (more so than usual). When I was by myself I enjoyed feeling the kicks and talking to the bump and imagining what he would look like and what kind of boy he would turn in to.  But around my friends and family I made it very clear how bad I felt and how I wished it could just be over with as soon as possible.

The thing that set me off from the beginning was having to quit all of my “vices” immediately (smoking, alcohol, caffeine, Advil, ADD medication, etc..). I thought I was going to drop dead those first few days after I found out.  I stupidly quit everything all at once and proceeded to get a terrible migraine that I couldn’t take anything for. 

The other thing that really pissed me off is that I managed to gain 85 pounds in about 9 months. It was pretty amazing actually.  I have weighed about the same my entire life give or take a few pounds so it was a bit shocking to see the scale every month at the doctor go up 10 pounds.   I eventually stopped taking my shoes and purse off and just told the nurse those extra 3 pounds didn’t even matter anymore.

I lost 35 pounds in my 2 day stay at the hospital after Owen was born. I remember trying to get my winter boots on when we left for the hospital and not being able to zip up the front of them and leaving the hospital with them loosely hanging off my feet.   Owen was just under 8 pounds when he was born. All the extra stuff that comes with him about 7 pounds. That leaves me with 20 pounds. Twenty pounds of water.  DISGUSTING. During the weeks following the birth I lost another 20 pounds of water weight. I had sweat coming out of the pores in my feet. Nobody tells you about the massive sweating. They also don’t tell you about the amniotic fluid oozing out of your pores either.  I guess my body needed the extra 55 pounds of water?  Can someone please tell me why?

Another exciting thing about pregnancy is your feet swelling to unusual size. I wore these brown Crocs for the better part of 9 months and I remember physically sliding around in them from the mass amounts of sweat coming from my feet.  Eventually there was no room to slide so my feet sat in puddles of sweat. 

I was determined to walk everyday, sweaty feet and all,  as they say it helps with  labor(that’s a big fat lie).  I walked Grizwald  every day but towards the end I was walking so slow that Grizwald was literally trotting in place next to me. The walk that took me 45 minutes while pregnant now takes me three. 

My doctor works at a teaching hospital so there are always students and residents with her. I can’t remember exactly when I met “Geppner” (if you say it like Newman from Seinfeld it helps to imagine him) but it was towards the end of the pregnancy. He was observing one of my check ups and he seemed nice enough. Probably younger than me but not quite Doogie Howser.  One of my last appointments was just with him. It was that day that I realized how much I loved my regular doctor. I was due a few weeks from when I saw “Geppner” and he decided it would be a good time to tell me I had gained too much weight. Then he said he wanted to make sure i was eating right and getting enough exercise. I had to refrain myself from saying the following:

1.  Dude, I weigh 500 pounds
2. Isn’t this something that should have been brought up before I was about to pop?
3. I would like to see you try to carry this thing around.
4. Are you even old enough to be a doctor?
5. You really need to be careful what you say to a very pregnant lady because we are very unpredictable. 

I was so mad. Unreasonably mad. Of course I was unreasonable about everything at that point. I was a crazy person.

Three days after my due date and still no signs of real labor (besides the lovely mucus plug, I won’t get into it) I went in to see my doctor and she told me the baby was “sunny side up” (meaning he was head down but facing forward instead of backward) which is why I hadn’t gone into labor. I had been having contractions for a month and even had a false alarm trip to the hospital. She told me she was going to just turn him around really quick. I asked her how she was going to do that and she held up her hand and waved it in front of me.  Still confused I naively said “Ok, whhhatever”.   Yes, her hand. She used her hand to turn him. Without getting too graphic I’ll just tell you that she physically  grabbed his head and turned it.  With her hand.   I swear she is some sort of medicine woman/goddess.  I went in to labor an hour later.

What comes next is something that deserves its own special post. There are so many crazy things that happened in the course of 24 hours that it needs to be carefully thought out and planned before I write it.  Let’s just say that Geppner played a key role in the events that took place that day.  Geppner.